Progress Not Perfection

Weigh in Monday!!  My first weigh in is actually happening on a Tuesday.  I am happy to say I lost 3.8 pounds.  This is over my weekly goal of 2 pounds.  Whoop Whoop!

So this whole losing weight thing for me is a total mind game.  I had a really bad weekend, this number could have been so much higher.  I was doing great all week and was actually down lower than this going into the weekend.  I traveled this weekend and brought all my food with me to eat like a good little girl.  I had a plan.  Automatic success right???  NO! 

I indulged, I ate things I shouldn't, I didn't do horrible, but I definetly didn't stay on plan.  Last night I even stress ate a bowl of cereal. 

I made myself get on the scale this morning and I made myself be happy about that loss.  Even though I really want to fall into the old habit, of getting down on myself.  Saying Fxxx it.  I screwed up, I can't do this, and start shoving food into my pie hole.  I am not doing that, I am logging my loss.  I am happy to see this number come down, it is more than my goal and I will be happy about it.  Even if it kills me.  I tend to really get down on myself because not to long ago, I weighed a lot less than this, like at the beginning of summer I was around 28  pounds less....so I tend to see every pounds loss as a failure, or just getting back to where I should have been anyway.  I need to let go of the past and my mistakes and whatever happened this summer to make me put on so much weight and just stay focused on my achievements.

I will stay committed to myself and this LONG term plan that I have.  The fear of failure is just so prevelant in my body right now, the fear of gaining and losing the same five pounds, the fear of giving up because I have one bad weekend.  Screw FEAR!!  That is what I am saying today, I am tired of being afraid.  I am tired of staying the same.  I feel better even with those 3.8 pounds gone.  Its not a lot but its enough.  I will try my hardest to kick my weekends butt and show it who is boss.  I will figure out how to manage my food and cravings on a weekend, if it is the last thing I do.

Today, I will choose to be happy about this and I will not GIVE up!!!!!

Weekly Weigh In-Weekly Goals

So I did not lose any weight this week....I ate good 90% of the time.  Enter the weekend.....Saturday night and part of Sunday were my only bad days and I didn't lose any weight.  I don't know when I will realize that my body just does not work that way.  Cheat meals, cheat days, easing up on the weekends just does not do it for me.  My body will gain weight if I look at a glass of wine or dessert.  My mind has been so ridiculous lately that I really need to get back to basics.

Last week I hit an all time low....I wouldn't say I am that bad this week, I see a sliver of hope but I am tetering right on the edge.  I have been trying to lose weight my whole life....but really working at it for at least a couple of years now....I have tried so hard and done so many things.  I have been really successful at times and I find myself weighing more than I have in a very long time.  I think I am pretty much up to my high weight.  That thought depresses me so much.....all my hard work for nothing.  What a waste of time and energy. 

I am so sick and tired of letting this control my life and make me feel so bad about myself.  I am so ready for things to change.  I am afraid, so afraid of never beating this.  I think I am so afraid that it is hindiring me from trying in some ways.  I hate this feeling, I hate it but can't seem to use it to push me to make this happen.

I am a great talker....I can pump myself up like no body else, but lately that has been lasting for like a day.  I am sick of hearing myself talk about this crap.  I don't even mention goals to my husband anymore because I know exactly what he is thinking....yeah right.  And I don't blame him...I feel the same way when I hear myself talk!!!!  I dream of what it will feel like and be like to reach my goals.  I read so many inspiring weight loss blogs about people just like me reaching their goals and feeling better than ever.  I imagine my life and how I would feel if I got to write that post about reaching my goal.  I want it, I can taste it but none of that seems to inspire me to actually do it!!!!

I have done this, not so long ago, I know I have it in me to follow an eating plan and kick ass.   This current mental space I am in is frightening to me.  I am starting to feel some real physical effects from this recent weight gain.....my feet hurt, bad!  That is just so sad to me.  I am not this person.  I am not being my best self and I need to be, I deserve it!!!!!

So there, I got that off my chest.  Weekly Goals:

1.  Meet my food requirements for the week, all week long, every day NO exceptions.

That is it my only goal.  Keeping it simple.  I am traveling this weekend, so it will be hard.  But I have done it before.  I have packed up my food and taken it with me.  Eating a salad while everyone else was eating pizza.  I can do this.  I have to do this and I will never look back.

I am expecting a big number next week.  My body responds really well when I eat within my eating plan.  I won't let ME down!

Come to Jesus

I had a come to Jesus kind of week.......I don't really know what else to say.  I am going to start documenting my journey again and committ to at least one post a week on Mondays.  Lower than low is where I am at right now.  I have a few things in the works so lets hope I get my crap together.  I have an overwhelming feeling of "yeah right, what makes you think you will do it this time."

I had some great advice of to use my anger, fear, anxiety etc for MY purpose......try and use those feelings to get me angry enough and fed up enough to change.....I think I am there.  But I hate talking anymore these days.....only thing I can do is put one foot in front of the other and make it happen....one stinking pound at a time.


This is all such a mental game.......

Weigh In Wednesday

So today I am linking up with She's a Big Star

 

 

 

 

Now I don't weigh in on Wednesday, but I thought I would link up because the Fake it till you make it saying really rings true with me today.  Around 2 weeks ago I had lost a few pounds and felt really good.  I had a HORRIBLE weekend, I continued to work out but ate really bad.  I ended up gaining around 4 or 5 pounds.  I did jump on the scale today and those pounds are still there!!!  I have to say that I have been a rock star the last two weeks and there has been no movement.  My eating isn't perfect (damn Nutella) but it is within my calorie limit.  I have tracked everything I ate.  I have been working out like crazy.  And nothing.  It is that time of the month for me, and I have been recently tracking everything I am eating.  I am hoping that after my monthly witch comes and goes, I will lose some poundage.  The thing is I feel good, my clothes feel good, I am feeling strong because of my time at the gym.  I think this is the first time in my life I am not freaking out about the number on the scale. 

 

This is my first month tracking my food, I want to see how my body responds during this time of the month to see if I need to change my plan or maybe this is just how my body is?  The thing is, I am not freaking out!!!  Yes I am upset and bummed.  I am nervous, that witch leaves town the numbers still won't come.  But I have to be patient and if I have to tighten it up on the eating than so be it.  I am NOT one of those girls that can cheat/eat what she wants and still lose.  I can't do the 80/20 rule and get to where I want to go.  I might be able to when I am in maintenance but not now.  I need to work on planned cheats and sticking to the plan.  I am just going to keep on doing what I am doing and adjust if I need to.  This is a journey, it is going to be a long one.  I will keep going.

 

So fake it till you make it is right on for me today.  I can't put off today what I want to do when I am thin.  Its such a waste of time and energy.  So if I have a few drinks and a plate of enchilladas on my date night, oh well.  I will have a fresh start the next day.

 

 

 So here is an OOTD picture.  I am going to stop myself from all the negative talk that is going on in my head when I see this....these progress pictures, or just taking pictures of myself is a huge step and I hate every second of it.  I am the classic, don't dress the way you want until you reach your goal weight, maybe I will go shopping this weekend, and find myself some fabulous fat girl clothes :)  Fake it till you Make it.......

 

 

 





Monday Link Up

So I laid out my goals on my last post for sort of a long term game plan.

I am doing a link up today at Operation Skinny Jeans.....I love the idea of small weekly goals to try and meet and to focus on the small picture, not the huge mountain I have to climb.

So here it goes here are my goals for the week:

1. Follow my exercise plan that I laid out.

2. Stay within my calorie range everyday and track what I eat.

3. Have a CONTROLLED cheat meal on Thursday when I am out with my husband.  Still haven't decided if I will drink or not.  I REALLY, REALLY, need to see a good week.

This weekend I would say I was really successful.  I am pretty happy.  I worked out really hard on Saturday and it felt great.  I missed my Sunday workout, but I am ok with that because I was gone all day with my daughter at a track meet, the gym was closed when I got home and then my husband and I took the kids to go see the movie 42.  So it was ok.

 (at my daughters track meet, great view but really crappy weather)

My food was really good this weekend, I had a couple tastes of Nutella that I should have on Saturday but I tracked it all and stayed within my calorie range.  I also, ate some things I should have on Sunday but not to bad.  I was gone all day and I also made some really good choices saying NO.  So it really was so much better then what I usually would have done.  But I really don't want to step on the scale.  That stupid scale scares the shit out of me right now.  I feel like if I even look at food I gain 5 pounds so........

I have my workout planned for today and no food with me.....not the best but I will make good choices.

On a side note, I spoke about my husband starting to get healthy.  Well he has been a rock star.  Really done great with his eating, not really exercised but he is taking baby steps.  So he gets on the scale and lost 9 pounds last week.  So jealous happy for him.  (Seriously WTF?????)

Also, here are some pictures of our garden that we have been dreaming about for years!!  So happy with it, small and managable....I hope.

(Clearing a space for a melon patch)

Happy  Monday and here is to a great week!!!

Friday/Game Plan/Progress Pics!!!!

So it is Friday.....This week has been good and bad.  I have had a couple little slips but stayed in my calorie range.  Just ate some foods I was telling myself to avoid.  I weighed today and was up 1 pound from yesterday but it is that time of the month coming up so I am trying to just keep an open mind and not think about the number on the scale to much at this point.

So my new plan is going to be

• Outline my goals for the week and weigh on Fridays!! 
• I am still going to stick to this day because I haven't given it a good shot and I know Mondays weren't working for me.
• I will track my food!!!!  Every single bite that goes in my mouth
• I will plan my cheat meals if I have them
• I will keep my calorie goal at around 1200.  If I feel the need for more food, I will incorporate a healthy snack....Nutella and Peanut Butter don't count!!!!
• I am going to start taking progress pictures......this scares the shit out of me as I have avoided pictures for my whole adult life.  But I think this will make me more accountable.

A little side note, my husband got a wake up call health wise and decided to change his lifestyle as well.  I am so excited as it is always fun to have a buddy and I worry about him. He has around 30-40 pounds he wants to lose.  I am not tying my program to his cause that has failed in the past.  He usually gives up around day 3, and then I throw in the towel too.  I am so excited for our new life together if we both reach goal.  If he doesn't oh well, I will still love him anyway, but it is exciting.

So it is Friday so here are my goals and my plan for the week!

Workout:
Fri: Cardio/Butt
Sat: Cardio/Mamma Laughlin Arms
Sun: Off (at a track meet with my daughter!!!)
Mon: JW Workout/Cardio
Tues: JM Shred
Wed: JW Workout/Cardio
Thur: Cardio

Eating:
Stick to 1200 calories, if super hungry add in a couple more healthy snacks up to 1400 cal
I am going to a concert on Thur with my husband that is my allotted cheat day!!!  Plan for this accordingly.....I am going back and forth with what to do.  It is the day before I weigh and if I drink anything I will not get an accurate weigh in.  Still deciding on this, but if I do cheat only cheat at one meal, dinner....and only drink wine.  Also drink lots of water......

Trying to keep the eating goals simple, I just need a few consistent weeks here.

So here it goes......uggggh.  Here is a picture of me honestly not even at my heaviest.  Yikes.  My friend posted this on facebook and I IMMEDIATLY untagged myself....seriously what the hell was she thinking!  This was in August of 2011, probably close to the heaviest I was

I am the one on the right, with the really great tan lines......Yuck!

And here are some from this morning

             
So I know I am smaller than I was....thank the lord.  But my goal is to lose 50 pounds.  That is like my ultimate dream goal...still really not sure if I can get there but here is hoping.  If I had to guess I think there is around a 20-30 pound difference between the two pictures.

Challenge

So I have spent a lot of time soul searching the last few days.  I have laid everything out on the line in my head and to be honest I have not lived up to any of my expectations.

I have come up with a new challenge and some renewed determination.  I am scared as hell, the thing I am most scared about is why is this time going to work?  I am scared of letting myself fail yet again.  I have done this so many times in my life it is hard to count.  The point is that I am the only person that can let me fail, and I have to just not do that.  Waaaaaay easier said then done.

Some of these blogs I follow have been HUGE motivators and I am going to detail out my goals and plan.....(yet again).  Tomorrow......

I have a busy day celebrating my daughters birthday.  I am off to the gym and to make her day extra special.  I am NOT cheating on my diet.....that is not in the plan :)

Goals

So I found a new blog today...Operation Skinny Jeans.  She posted a link up of weekly goals on April 1st.  So I am a little late to the party but here it goes.  I so need this.  I feel my resolve/determination slipping.  I have been so tired, my muscles are very fatigued, I had a horrible weekend eating wise and I don't want it all to slip away. Sooooo here it goes.






These goals will be until next Friday April 12th when I will weigh in.  I decided to skip this Friday's weigh in because I had such a bad weekend that lasted through Monday and I don't want to get really upset.  I don't want to do this often because I feel like I need to be accountable and if I skip weigh in's because I cheated, it is kind of like, well, cheating.  So who knows I may weigh in Friday, but these goals are to take me through next week.

1.  Work out everyday, if I am feeling tired do some 30 Day shred.  I made up my workout plan, FOLLOW IT!!!!

2.  Track all my calories everyday no exceptions!!!!

3.  Drink more water

I just need to get out of my head, put one foot in front of the other and do this.  I know I sabotage myself a lot, with negative self talk and giving up.  The two steps forward 5 steps back.  I am really tired of it so I hope this helps me be accountable.

Tuesday (Which is my Monday)

So I had Monday off, so this Tuesday is really my Monday......

So I had a great weigh in on Friday.  Weekends are my HARDEST time ever.....its not like I lack a little control....I seriously lack any self control at all on most weekends.  I understand it is mind over matter but it is so damn frustrating.

So on Friday night, I knew I wanted some wine, so I had some....and some dark chocolate, and I don't know what else.  I think I am blocking it out.  I did have my shake Saturday morning and got a good sweat session it at the gym.  I ate a boat load of candy Saturday as I was doing Easter stuff with the kids.  That candy seriously could not get in my mouth fast enough.  I don't remember what I ate Saturday for dinner but it probably was something un healthy in between fist fulls of candy!!!  Ugggh.

Sunday, we went to breakfast.  I decided since I was already doing so bad to have French toast and half an order of biscuits and gravy.  NICE!!!!  We BBQ'd that evening and I don't think I ate to much, I had some salmon and some salad.  But also some wine, and I am sure some more candy.

Monday I had off and I ate like crap pretty much all day....I feel like shit.  I feel like a failure.  I don't know why I do this to myself...blah, blah, blah.  So its the same cycle different day. 

I love being home with my kids and often wish I could stay home full time, but it seriously is such an issue not being on my schedule.  I need to figure this one out.

I took Sunday and Monday off from working out because I am so dang tired the last few days, but that doesn't really bother me since I have been going so strong lately.  I will work out tonight, even though I still feel exhausted.  I don't know what is wrong with me.

So I pick myself up and keep trying.  I will see what that scale says on Friday.  I have to be accountable to that scale every week. 

Friday-Weigh in Day 1

So today is Friday....let the hyperventalating about the weekend begin.  I feel really, really strong lately.  I have been so on point with my exercise and my eating.  I feel really great and my clothes are fitting better.  I don't have any great pictures as I am getting used to this blogging thing.  That is really my only commitment I have not been keeping up with, updating the blog.  I am forcing myself to update and keep up on it as it will help me keep my focus.  Or so I hope.

I am really excited because I ordered this and it is waiting for me at home

I can't wait to see how many calories I am burning during my workouts.  I have become really obsessed with the calories going in and calories going out. 

So my plan for the weekend is to get in as many workouts as I can.  I am pretty tired because I have been waking up so early to get my cardio in.  I need to just keep focused and get to the gym. 

So I did weigh in today and depending on what my starting weight was I lost around 4 pounds!!!  That is so cool.  I can get really attached to that number though, so I am thinking about not checking for a while since I feel so good.  I tend to let it really get me down if it is not what I want to see.  Even though that is a great number, part of me wanted to see something bigger.  I can seriously fluctuate 5 pounds like its nothing so I need to try and let it go.   My goal is to just keep doing what I am doing, it really seems to be sticking, and see what happens.  Don't let myself get all bummed out over the number on the scale.  

My Weekend

So over the weekend I didn't do great, but didn't do as bad as usual......small victory.

I worked out everyday, which was great.  I am really into my workouts right now, I think that is because I am trying something new and they are shorter routines with high intensity.  Don't get me wrong, I have made excuses a million times before no matter what plan I was trying to follow so I am really excited.

I still am getting my butt out of bed and going to the gym early and dragging my butt to the gym late.  Sometimes working out twice a day.  So I am really proud of myself.

Monday morning comes around and I am right back on track.  Feeling really good.  I have not weighed, I had some wine over the weekend and that can screw with my weights.  I feel really good though, and feel better in my clothes.  The scale can discourage me big time, but I am not at the point where I could care less about that number.  I have quite a bit of weight to lose so it needs to come down.

Here's a picture from Sunday night, not really on plan but oh well.

Oh and I actually bought myself two new shirts, I wear one today and have spilled on it twice.  This is so like me.  I can't keep something nice for more than 24 hours.  So frustrating.

Motivation

Funny that I am doing a link up to a post about motivation!! 




 I feel that my weight loss journey is just beginning, well actually its been going on for years but I am feeling it click for the first, second, third.... OK, millionth time.  I would like to think that I don't lack motivation but I lack confidence to keep going.  One thing I have realized the last few days is that I truly do have a lot of negative chatter going on in that old head of mine. 

One of my HARDEST things I deal with is my weekends, so I really enjoyed all of Lori's recommendations on fattofit41.  The problem is actually doing them!  I truly think my weekends are a mental battle so that is what I am trying to deal with now, my mental game.

One thing I have been doing is trying to say something positive to myself every time I have a negative thought.  I tell myself, why not me?  Why can't I be the one that succeeds in this weight loss struggle? 

I will find myself thinking I can't do this, it is to hard.  I am so tired....what crazy person gets up at 4:45am?  I AM!!!!!  And I am doing it, and as long as I am doing it,  I tell that voice in my head to beat it.

It really has also helped writing out my goals and accomplishments, and following all these blogs.  When I wake up at 4:45am and really want to just go back to sleep, I jump on instagram and see all these woman tearing it up at the gym and it gets my butt out of bed, because why not me?  I can and I will do this.

So yesterday, I ate really well in my calorie range.  I am working hard on listening to my body and giving myself a healthy snack if I am really hungry and not beating myself up for it.

I did the tabata last night that I had mentioned and it was great.   With my busy schedule doing shorter more intense workouts might really help me stick with it.  Wish me luck for my weekend!!!!! 

Workout plan

So yesterday was much better, I stayed within my calories.  Didn't have any major breakdowns so that is good.  I went and got a cardio session in last night and even woke up early this morning to get my weight training in!!!  I plan on doing a cardio session tonight as well.

So I came across a blogger who really seems to use the tabata training to get herself in shape.  I know it kicks your butt as I have done this type of training before but not on a regular basis.  I used to take bootcamp twice a week, but wouldn't do much else in between, so I didn't see that great of results.

I think I am going to incorporate the tabata training into my routine to see how it goes.

I have been using the cardio and weight exercises from this book

Which I heard about from a blog called Skinney Meg.  There seems to be a sense of shorter/harder workouts.  Sounds good to me.  I think if I kick my butt daily, I will see results.

The tabata workout I found is from Jill Coleman's blog, which I heard about from fattofit41's blog

I think I am going to do the tabata tonight instead of my cardio routine from the book. 

The best thing is that I feel really positive, I really feel like I want this and that this may be my time.  As soon as I say those things to myself, the negative chatter begins like.....yeah right you haven't said that 100 times before.

My other goal is to keep that chatter out of my head, because it just makes me quit.

Now I am going to do something that makes my palms sweat and I want to go throw up....put up on the internet some before pictures.  Holy shit, I need a shot.

Chances are no one is going to see this, but I have an extreme phobia of sharing before pictures and my weight with anyone!!!  Chances are I will never put a number on here...I don't know why....its not like I don't walk around all day looking like I do.  So two of the pictures are from farther away, and distance definetly makes me look better....LOL.  But I added in the close up, that really makes me cringe just to be real.

 

 



Yesterday was definetly NOT the day!!!!

So I went into yesterday full of good intentions.  My food list for yesterday was:

Breakfast-Protein Shake
Snack-Almonds
Lunch-Chicken,brown rice, broccoli
Snack-Hummus/Veggies
Snack-1TBS all natural PB on toast (this was before a baseball game at 5pm, and I knew I wouldn't eat dinner till late, and I was hungry)

I thought I was so good to throw in that snack before the game to help avoid any major crashes, from being so hungry I could chew off my own arm, or steal goldfish from the family next to me.  You know one of those families that has everything so together, that they have the cooler full of sandwiches, healthy snacks and drinks for the 5pm weeknight baseball game.  Yeah that family....and for the record I am NOT that family.

(this is not my son, I stole another Mom's picture, but we were at the same game.  Considering no one will ever read this I don't think she will mind.)


So we get home and nothing was taken out for dinner and my husband says we should go get ourselves some Jaffa tonight.  (our favorite Greek food).  I thought, ok, I have a healthy salad that I get there.  I can come home after, get the kids ready for bed and do my gym session.  Sounded good to me....so we fed the kids and left our little ones with our 14 year old.

As we head out my man keeps going straight when he should have turned.  I look at him..."where are you going."  He gives me his sheepish little grin, and says "I thought we could go to 15 degrees instead."  Oh shit!!!  I give him my deer in the headlights look, and stammer something about how I am trying to be good.  I can't go to the local wine bar.  I'm not drinking.  I'm trying to be good damn it!!!  Now my husband is very supportive, and would have gone straight to the restraunt.  But I just couldn't resist the thought of a.) being alone with my husband b.) no kids c.) wine d.) being alone with my husband.

I know there are supposed to be no excuses, but you have to understand with 5 active kids, two full time jobs and a toddler that really counts for like 2 extra kids, when your husband gives you the sexy smile and says lets do the wine bar........you GO!!!

So we went....had a great time.  Had so much to talk about that we were jumping subjects and couldn't keep up with what we were talking about.  We held hands and walked in the rain to go down the street to see a friend who works at a  restraunt and tell him about how amazing his son played in the game,  had one more glass of wine and then went home.  I will not regret that night. 

My diet plan allows for two cheat meals a week, so I used one on a tuesday, sue me.  If I can just stay on track the rest of the week.  And only allow myself one more cheat meal, and get all my workouts in I will be on plan.

Our dinner consisted of a caprese pannini, and hummus and crostini.  Two Three glasses of wine and a berry cobbler.  Probably over the 1500 calorie allotment of a cheat meal, but oh well.

So back at it today, I WILL follow plan and tell my husband no if he gets any ideas! 

I also need to pick a weigh in day.  I used to do Monday's and just think I am punishing myself since my weekends are my hardest obstacle.  So I am switching it to Fridays as my official weigh in day, hopefully my good numbers will help me motiviate for the weekend.

My First Post

MY FIRST POST

 

 

I am starting this blog after a life long journey of struggling with my weight and general struggles with body image.  I don't have any intention besides it being a place where I can be accountable for my actions.

 

My journey started long ago and at this particular point in time, I feel like I have a good diet and exercise plan and a strong desire.  My biggest challenge comes with consistency, my WEEKENDS (which kill me every time), and the constant negative chatter in my head.

 

This will be a place that I have to come everyday to post my progress and be accountable to me......nobody but me.  Really this is like my last ditch effort to really make this happen for me.  Of course I will really never stop trying, but I don't want to wake up and be 50 and still obsessing about the size of my theighs!!!!  That thought kills me, it infuriates me and I will not let it happen.

 

This quote is posted on my mirror in my bathroom, its about time I started and stopped with the yo yo dieting I have been doing.

 

So here it goes, I am going to start today by posting a set of short and long term goals.

 

Short Term

 

1. Post on the blog everyday....EVEN WEEKENDS.

2. Follow my food plan for 30 days....EVEN WEEKENDS!!!

3. Workout at least 5 days a week

 

Long Term

 

1. Fit into a size 8

2. Like what I see in the mirror

3. Be the best ME!!!!  Physically and mentally

4. Lose 50 pounds by September 1st.

5. Be able to wear a pair of shorts

6. Get a healthy relationship with food, if I have a treat learn how to stop at 1 and not let it     ruin all my progress

7. Have healthy be my life style, be my rule not my exception.  Change my way of life!!!!

 

Ok, I think that enough for now.

 

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

~Henry David Thoreau