Progress Not Perfection

Weigh in Monday!!  My first weigh in is actually happening on a Tuesday.  I am happy to say I lost 3.8 pounds.  This is over my weekly goal of 2 pounds.  Whoop Whoop!

So this whole losing weight thing for me is a total mind game.  I had a really bad weekend, this number could have been so much higher.  I was doing great all week and was actually down lower than this going into the weekend.  I traveled this weekend and brought all my food with me to eat like a good little girl.  I had a plan.  Automatic success right???  NO! 

I indulged, I ate things I shouldn't, I didn't do horrible, but I definetly didn't stay on plan.  Last night I even stress ate a bowl of cereal. 

I made myself get on the scale this morning and I made myself be happy about that loss.  Even though I really want to fall into the old habit, of getting down on myself.  Saying Fxxx it.  I screwed up, I can't do this, and start shoving food into my pie hole.  I am not doing that, I am logging my loss.  I am happy to see this number come down, it is more than my goal and I will be happy about it.  Even if it kills me.  I tend to really get down on myself because not to long ago, I weighed a lot less than this, like at the beginning of summer I was around 28  pounds less....so I tend to see every pounds loss as a failure, or just getting back to where I should have been anyway.  I need to let go of the past and my mistakes and whatever happened this summer to make me put on so much weight and just stay focused on my achievements.

I will stay committed to myself and this LONG term plan that I have.  The fear of failure is just so prevelant in my body right now, the fear of gaining and losing the same five pounds, the fear of giving up because I have one bad weekend.  Screw FEAR!!  That is what I am saying today, I am tired of being afraid.  I am tired of staying the same.  I feel better even with those 3.8 pounds gone.  Its not a lot but its enough.  I will try my hardest to kick my weekends butt and show it who is boss.  I will figure out how to manage my food and cravings on a weekend, if it is the last thing I do.

Today, I will choose to be happy about this and I will not GIVE up!!!!!

Weekly Weigh In-Weekly Goals

So I did not lose any weight this week....I ate good 90% of the time.  Enter the weekend.....Saturday night and part of Sunday were my only bad days and I didn't lose any weight.  I don't know when I will realize that my body just does not work that way.  Cheat meals, cheat days, easing up on the weekends just does not do it for me.  My body will gain weight if I look at a glass of wine or dessert.  My mind has been so ridiculous lately that I really need to get back to basics.

Last week I hit an all time low....I wouldn't say I am that bad this week, I see a sliver of hope but I am tetering right on the edge.  I have been trying to lose weight my whole life....but really working at it for at least a couple of years now....I have tried so hard and done so many things.  I have been really successful at times and I find myself weighing more than I have in a very long time.  I think I am pretty much up to my high weight.  That thought depresses me so much.....all my hard work for nothing.  What a waste of time and energy. 

I am so sick and tired of letting this control my life and make me feel so bad about myself.  I am so ready for things to change.  I am afraid, so afraid of never beating this.  I think I am so afraid that it is hindiring me from trying in some ways.  I hate this feeling, I hate it but can't seem to use it to push me to make this happen.

I am a great talker....I can pump myself up like no body else, but lately that has been lasting for like a day.  I am sick of hearing myself talk about this crap.  I don't even mention goals to my husband anymore because I know exactly what he is thinking....yeah right.  And I don't blame him...I feel the same way when I hear myself talk!!!!  I dream of what it will feel like and be like to reach my goals.  I read so many inspiring weight loss blogs about people just like me reaching their goals and feeling better than ever.  I imagine my life and how I would feel if I got to write that post about reaching my goal.  I want it, I can taste it but none of that seems to inspire me to actually do it!!!!

I have done this, not so long ago, I know I have it in me to follow an eating plan and kick ass.   This current mental space I am in is frightening to me.  I am starting to feel some real physical effects from this recent weight gain.....my feet hurt, bad!  That is just so sad to me.  I am not this person.  I am not being my best self and I need to be, I deserve it!!!!!

So there, I got that off my chest.  Weekly Goals:

1.  Meet my food requirements for the week, all week long, every day NO exceptions.

That is it my only goal.  Keeping it simple.  I am traveling this weekend, so it will be hard.  But I have done it before.  I have packed up my food and taken it with me.  Eating a salad while everyone else was eating pizza.  I can do this.  I have to do this and I will never look back.

I am expecting a big number next week.  My body responds really well when I eat within my eating plan.  I won't let ME down!

Come to Jesus

I had a come to Jesus kind of week.......I don't really know what else to say.  I am going to start documenting my journey again and committ to at least one post a week on Mondays.  Lower than low is where I am at right now.  I have a few things in the works so lets hope I get my crap together.  I have an overwhelming feeling of "yeah right, what makes you think you will do it this time."

I had some great advice of to use my anger, fear, anxiety etc for MY purpose......try and use those feelings to get me angry enough and fed up enough to change.....I think I am there.  But I hate talking anymore these days.....only thing I can do is put one foot in front of the other and make it happen....one stinking pound at a time.


This is all such a mental game.......

Weigh In Wednesday

So today I am linking up with She's a Big Star

 

 

 

 

Now I don't weigh in on Wednesday, but I thought I would link up because the Fake it till you make it saying really rings true with me today.  Around 2 weeks ago I had lost a few pounds and felt really good.  I had a HORRIBLE weekend, I continued to work out but ate really bad.  I ended up gaining around 4 or 5 pounds.  I did jump on the scale today and those pounds are still there!!!  I have to say that I have been a rock star the last two weeks and there has been no movement.  My eating isn't perfect (damn Nutella) but it is within my calorie limit.  I have tracked everything I ate.  I have been working out like crazy.  And nothing.  It is that time of the month for me, and I have been recently tracking everything I am eating.  I am hoping that after my monthly witch comes and goes, I will lose some poundage.  The thing is I feel good, my clothes feel good, I am feeling strong because of my time at the gym.  I think this is the first time in my life I am not freaking out about the number on the scale. 

 

This is my first month tracking my food, I want to see how my body responds during this time of the month to see if I need to change my plan or maybe this is just how my body is?  The thing is, I am not freaking out!!!  Yes I am upset and bummed.  I am nervous, that witch leaves town the numbers still won't come.  But I have to be patient and if I have to tighten it up on the eating than so be it.  I am NOT one of those girls that can cheat/eat what she wants and still lose.  I can't do the 80/20 rule and get to where I want to go.  I might be able to when I am in maintenance but not now.  I need to work on planned cheats and sticking to the plan.  I am just going to keep on doing what I am doing and adjust if I need to.  This is a journey, it is going to be a long one.  I will keep going.

 

So fake it till you make it is right on for me today.  I can't put off today what I want to do when I am thin.  Its such a waste of time and energy.  So if I have a few drinks and a plate of enchilladas on my date night, oh well.  I will have a fresh start the next day.

 

 

 So here is an OOTD picture.  I am going to stop myself from all the negative talk that is going on in my head when I see this....these progress pictures, or just taking pictures of myself is a huge step and I hate every second of it.  I am the classic, don't dress the way you want until you reach your goal weight, maybe I will go shopping this weekend, and find myself some fabulous fat girl clothes :)  Fake it till you Make it.......

 

 

 





Monday Link Up

So I laid out my goals on my last post for sort of a long term game plan.

I am doing a link up today at Operation Skinny Jeans.....I love the idea of small weekly goals to try and meet and to focus on the small picture, not the huge mountain I have to climb.

So here it goes here are my goals for the week:

1. Follow my exercise plan that I laid out.

2. Stay within my calorie range everyday and track what I eat.

3. Have a CONTROLLED cheat meal on Thursday when I am out with my husband.  Still haven't decided if I will drink or not.  I REALLY, REALLY, need to see a good week.

This weekend I would say I was really successful.  I am pretty happy.  I worked out really hard on Saturday and it felt great.  I missed my Sunday workout, but I am ok with that because I was gone all day with my daughter at a track meet, the gym was closed when I got home and then my husband and I took the kids to go see the movie 42.  So it was ok.

 (at my daughters track meet, great view but really crappy weather)

My food was really good this weekend, I had a couple tastes of Nutella that I should have on Saturday but I tracked it all and stayed within my calorie range.  I also, ate some things I should have on Sunday but not to bad.  I was gone all day and I also made some really good choices saying NO.  So it really was so much better then what I usually would have done.  But I really don't want to step on the scale.  That stupid scale scares the shit out of me right now.  I feel like if I even look at food I gain 5 pounds so........

I have my workout planned for today and no food with me.....not the best but I will make good choices.

On a side note, I spoke about my husband starting to get healthy.  Well he has been a rock star.  Really done great with his eating, not really exercised but he is taking baby steps.  So he gets on the scale and lost 9 pounds last week.  So jealous happy for him.  (Seriously WTF?????)

Also, here are some pictures of our garden that we have been dreaming about for years!!  So happy with it, small and managable....I hope.

(Clearing a space for a melon patch)

Happy  Monday and here is to a great week!!!

Friday/Game Plan/Progress Pics!!!!

So it is Friday.....This week has been good and bad.  I have had a couple little slips but stayed in my calorie range.  Just ate some foods I was telling myself to avoid.  I weighed today and was up 1 pound from yesterday but it is that time of the month coming up so I am trying to just keep an open mind and not think about the number on the scale to much at this point.

So my new plan is going to be

• Outline my goals for the week and weigh on Fridays!! 
• I am still going to stick to this day because I haven't given it a good shot and I know Mondays weren't working for me.
• I will track my food!!!!  Every single bite that goes in my mouth
• I will plan my cheat meals if I have them
• I will keep my calorie goal at around 1200.  If I feel the need for more food, I will incorporate a healthy snack....Nutella and Peanut Butter don't count!!!!
• I am going to start taking progress pictures......this scares the shit out of me as I have avoided pictures for my whole adult life.  But I think this will make me more accountable.

A little side note, my husband got a wake up call health wise and decided to change his lifestyle as well.  I am so excited as it is always fun to have a buddy and I worry about him. He has around 30-40 pounds he wants to lose.  I am not tying my program to his cause that has failed in the past.  He usually gives up around day 3, and then I throw in the towel too.  I am so excited for our new life together if we both reach goal.  If he doesn't oh well, I will still love him anyway, but it is exciting.

So it is Friday so here are my goals and my plan for the week!

Workout:
Fri: Cardio/Butt
Sat: Cardio/Mamma Laughlin Arms
Sun: Off (at a track meet with my daughter!!!)
Mon: JW Workout/Cardio
Tues: JM Shred
Wed: JW Workout/Cardio
Thur: Cardio

Eating:
Stick to 1200 calories, if super hungry add in a couple more healthy snacks up to 1400 cal
I am going to a concert on Thur with my husband that is my allotted cheat day!!!  Plan for this accordingly.....I am going back and forth with what to do.  It is the day before I weigh and if I drink anything I will not get an accurate weigh in.  Still deciding on this, but if I do cheat only cheat at one meal, dinner....and only drink wine.  Also drink lots of water......

Trying to keep the eating goals simple, I just need a few consistent weeks here.

So here it goes......uggggh.  Here is a picture of me honestly not even at my heaviest.  Yikes.  My friend posted this on facebook and I IMMEDIATLY untagged myself....seriously what the hell was she thinking!  This was in August of 2011, probably close to the heaviest I was

I am the one on the right, with the really great tan lines......Yuck!

And here are some from this morning

             
So I know I am smaller than I was....thank the lord.  But my goal is to lose 50 pounds.  That is like my ultimate dream goal...still really not sure if I can get there but here is hoping.  If I had to guess I think there is around a 20-30 pound difference between the two pictures.

Challenge

So I have spent a lot of time soul searching the last few days.  I have laid everything out on the line in my head and to be honest I have not lived up to any of my expectations.

I have come up with a new challenge and some renewed determination.  I am scared as hell, the thing I am most scared about is why is this time going to work?  I am scared of letting myself fail yet again.  I have done this so many times in my life it is hard to count.  The point is that I am the only person that can let me fail, and I have to just not do that.  Waaaaaay easier said then done.

Some of these blogs I follow have been HUGE motivators and I am going to detail out my goals and plan.....(yet again).  Tomorrow......

I have a busy day celebrating my daughters birthday.  I am off to the gym and to make her day extra special.  I am NOT cheating on my diet.....that is not in the plan :)