Progress Not Perfection

Weigh in Monday!!  My first weigh in is actually happening on a Tuesday.  I am happy to say I lost 3.8 pounds.  This is over my weekly goal of 2 pounds.  Whoop Whoop!

So this whole losing weight thing for me is a total mind game.  I had a really bad weekend, this number could have been so much higher.  I was doing great all week and was actually down lower than this going into the weekend.  I traveled this weekend and brought all my food with me to eat like a good little girl.  I had a plan.  Automatic success right???  NO! 

I indulged, I ate things I shouldn't, I didn't do horrible, but I definetly didn't stay on plan.  Last night I even stress ate a bowl of cereal. 

I made myself get on the scale this morning and I made myself be happy about that loss.  Even though I really want to fall into the old habit, of getting down on myself.  Saying Fxxx it.  I screwed up, I can't do this, and start shoving food into my pie hole.  I am not doing that, I am logging my loss.  I am happy to see this number come down, it is more than my goal and I will be happy about it.  Even if it kills me.  I tend to really get down on myself because not to long ago, I weighed a lot less than this, like at the beginning of summer I was around 28  pounds less....so I tend to see every pounds loss as a failure, or just getting back to where I should have been anyway.  I need to let go of the past and my mistakes and whatever happened this summer to make me put on so much weight and just stay focused on my achievements.

I will stay committed to myself and this LONG term plan that I have.  The fear of failure is just so prevelant in my body right now, the fear of gaining and losing the same five pounds, the fear of giving up because I have one bad weekend.  Screw FEAR!!  That is what I am saying today, I am tired of being afraid.  I am tired of staying the same.  I feel better even with those 3.8 pounds gone.  Its not a lot but its enough.  I will try my hardest to kick my weekends butt and show it who is boss.  I will figure out how to manage my food and cravings on a weekend, if it is the last thing I do.

Today, I will choose to be happy about this and I will not GIVE up!!!!!

Weekly Weigh In-Weekly Goals

So I did not lose any weight this week....I ate good 90% of the time.  Enter the weekend.....Saturday night and part of Sunday were my only bad days and I didn't lose any weight.  I don't know when I will realize that my body just does not work that way.  Cheat meals, cheat days, easing up on the weekends just does not do it for me.  My body will gain weight if I look at a glass of wine or dessert.  My mind has been so ridiculous lately that I really need to get back to basics.

Last week I hit an all time low....I wouldn't say I am that bad this week, I see a sliver of hope but I am tetering right on the edge.  I have been trying to lose weight my whole life....but really working at it for at least a couple of years now....I have tried so hard and done so many things.  I have been really successful at times and I find myself weighing more than I have in a very long time.  I think I am pretty much up to my high weight.  That thought depresses me so much.....all my hard work for nothing.  What a waste of time and energy. 

I am so sick and tired of letting this control my life and make me feel so bad about myself.  I am so ready for things to change.  I am afraid, so afraid of never beating this.  I think I am so afraid that it is hindiring me from trying in some ways.  I hate this feeling, I hate it but can't seem to use it to push me to make this happen.

I am a great talker....I can pump myself up like no body else, but lately that has been lasting for like a day.  I am sick of hearing myself talk about this crap.  I don't even mention goals to my husband anymore because I know exactly what he is thinking....yeah right.  And I don't blame him...I feel the same way when I hear myself talk!!!!  I dream of what it will feel like and be like to reach my goals.  I read so many inspiring weight loss blogs about people just like me reaching their goals and feeling better than ever.  I imagine my life and how I would feel if I got to write that post about reaching my goal.  I want it, I can taste it but none of that seems to inspire me to actually do it!!!!

I have done this, not so long ago, I know I have it in me to follow an eating plan and kick ass.   This current mental space I am in is frightening to me.  I am starting to feel some real physical effects from this recent weight gain.....my feet hurt, bad!  That is just so sad to me.  I am not this person.  I am not being my best self and I need to be, I deserve it!!!!!

So there, I got that off my chest.  Weekly Goals:

1.  Meet my food requirements for the week, all week long, every day NO exceptions.

That is it my only goal.  Keeping it simple.  I am traveling this weekend, so it will be hard.  But I have done it before.  I have packed up my food and taken it with me.  Eating a salad while everyone else was eating pizza.  I can do this.  I have to do this and I will never look back.

I am expecting a big number next week.  My body responds really well when I eat within my eating plan.  I won't let ME down!

Come to Jesus

I had a come to Jesus kind of week.......I don't really know what else to say.  I am going to start documenting my journey again and committ to at least one post a week on Mondays.  Lower than low is where I am at right now.  I have a few things in the works so lets hope I get my crap together.  I have an overwhelming feeling of "yeah right, what makes you think you will do it this time."

I had some great advice of to use my anger, fear, anxiety etc for MY purpose......try and use those feelings to get me angry enough and fed up enough to change.....I think I am there.  But I hate talking anymore these days.....only thing I can do is put one foot in front of the other and make it happen....one stinking pound at a time.


This is all such a mental game.......